Scars by Mary E. Carpenter

Today begins breast cancer awareness month, so I would like to share with you something that a very dear friend wrote. I couldn't say it any better myself. Thank you Mama Mary for allowing me to share this here. xoxo

Scars © Mary E. Carpenter

Walking down the street, no one would know that I am the face of breast cancer. It is not obvious that I have been bald twice, stuck with needles too numerous to count, had multiple cancer killing toxins coursing through my veins, become the “chubby little woman” as Britt referred to me . . . from steroids to prevent life threatening reactions to those toxins, spent hours vomiting in bathrooms, bushes, buckets or wherever I could find a place because I intended to continue living my life, been injected with radioactive glucose, dye, blood, and had so many x-rays and scans that I’m surprised I do not glow in the dark even though Bayley thinks it would be cool. It is not obvious to those that pass me in the aisles at the grocery store, parents that greet me in my children’s classrooms or on the soccer field, or co-workers that greet me in the hall as we pass one another during the course of our workday. The scars beneath my clothes from seven surgeries that were not choice, but choosing life, are not evident to the outside world.

But I am the face of breast cancer. I am a mom, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I am every woman. I am not a case of breast cancer or a scar. I am the 1 in 8 American women that will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime. If I lived in Europe, I would be the 1 in 10 that is diagnosed with breast cancer before age 80. I am 1 of the 11,100 young women under the age of 40 in the United States that was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003. I am one of the many young women that heard these words from a doctor . . . “You are too young for breast cancer.”

I wake up every day and see the scars that are now as much a part of my body as my breasts ever were. I shower, I put on lotion, and I cover my scars with clothes and go out into the world. I am just a healthy woman going about the business of my day. I am just a healthy, young mom out with her children. But the scars are always there waiting to be heard. They want the opportunity to say, “I am not ashamed. I am not embarrassed. I am only a scar.Look at me and be aware. Look at me and know you can save second base. Look at me and know that breast self examination is worth it because no one knows your body like you. Look at me and schedule your mammogram. Look at me and know your family health history. Look at me and know that I am 1 of the 87% of five year survivors alive today. Look at me and don’t be afraid, be aware.”

Those scars roar for awareness every day and every month, not just October. Remember them and share them with the men and women in your lives because they know awareness can do more than just save second base, it can save lives. They are here to speak for the 13% whose scars were silenced by breast cancer.

Resources noted below. (I do recommend finding grassroots organizations in your own city, state, county, or region for help with things such as groceries, utilities, rent, childcare, etc. Some of the larger organizations will sometimes direct you to those resources, but oftentimes, you have to find them on your own.)



Resources:

Breast Self Examination

http://cms.komen.org/komen/AboutBreastCancer/EarlyDetectionScreening/BreastSelf-Exam/index.htm?ssSourceNodeId=313&ssSourceSiteId=Komen

Young Survival Coalition (for women diagnosed under 45)

http://www.youngsurvival.org/

Breast Cancer Resources - United States:

http://www.lbbc.org/

Living Beyond Breast Cancer

http://cms.komen.org/komen/AboutBreastCancer/index.htm Susan G. Komen (I'd recommend checking with local affiliates.)

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/CRI_2x.asp?sitearea=LRN&dt=5 American Cancer Society

http://www.breastcancer.org BreastCancer.org

One on One Guidance and Support:

http://www.imermanangels.org/ Imerman Angels

Breast Cancer Resources - Europe:

http://www.breasthealthday.org/BreastCancerFact.asp Europa Donna

http://www.ibca.net/online_resources/foreign_language_sites.php Cancer Resource Center (22+ languages available)

http://www.cancereurope.org Cancerworld

Breast Cancer Resources - Germany:

http://www.komen.de/cms/website.php Komen Deutschland

http://bcag.twoday.net Breast Cancer/Action Germany

http://www.brustkrebs.de Brustkrebs Info

Breast Cancer Support Groups and Organizations - Worldwide:

http://www.mentorcorp.com/canada/breast-reconstruction/links.htm Mentor

Hi, my name is Beth and I'm a SLACKER!!!

Wow, I can't believe it has been 10 months since I've last updated my blog! I'm sorry for being such a slacker. I understand that is an extremely long time to go MIA and leave you hanging, but it happens sometimes. I'll try to catch you up the best I can and not let it happen again.

When I last posted, I was getting ready to go for my second tattooing. Well, I ended up needing a total of 3 tattoo sessions before everything matched, but I am now very happy with my results. My aesthetician did an amazing job.

My third tattooing was closely followed by the revision of my back scar, which also went well. It was an easy, breezy surgery and recovery that required zero drains. Anyone who knows me, knows that drains are a big deal for me. After having complications in previous surgeries and requiring those evil, little things way longer than normal, I think I am slightly traumatized. Seriously, the very first thing that I ask when I wake up in recovery is "Do I have any drains?" I believe I even argued with a nurse once in my groggy, confused state that she was mistaken and even though she told me I didn't have any drains and I really didn't, she was wrong and I know I have a drain! Turns out, it was just a cord going to my blood pressure cuff or something that I confused for a drain!! lol I told you, I HATE drains!!! But like I said, I came out of that surgery with no drains, which was a nice way to end my reconstruction journey on a positive note.

Did you catch what I said?!

MY RECONSTRUCTION IS DONE!!!!

Well, unless something comes up or I decide to have some kind of revision in the future, but for now, I AM DONE!!!!

My plastic surgeon did an excellent job and I have great results that I am extremely happy with, but it is still going to take some time to finish healing emotionally. It has been hard for me to embrace the fact that my body is never going to be the same.

I am forever going to be scarred, front and back.

Don't get me wrong, most days I am okay. Some days, I even forget that I had cancer, which I never thought would happen. But there are other days that I need reminded that because I have those scars, I am alive. It's a process, apparently a long one, but enough of that. Let's get back to my updating.

When I last posted I had announced that my sister was going to have a baby. As it turned out, she went to her first OB appointment and found out that her baby had died. We were all so devastated. Even though she wasn't very far along, we loved that baby already. We take comfort in the fact that we will some day get to meet him or her in heaven, but it still hurts. The fact that our loves ones are in a better place than we are, doesn't make us stop missing them.

Aunt Beth loves you baby bean. xoxo

Since I've last updated I have also lost many more of my breast cancer sisters. One of the hardest for me was losing my dear friend, Marie. I had the opportunity to really get to know her at the LBBC conferences in Philly and then we stayed in touch via the computer and phone calls. She was such an amazing woman, a true gem, and one of a kind. She had lived through so much pain and heartache, but meeting her you would never know it. Cancer had taken all of her family, but yet she never once felt sorry for herself.

Marie had something called Li-Fraumeni syndrome, which is a rare disorder that is hereditary and greatly increases the risk of developing several types of cancer, particularly in children and young adults. She battled breast cancer, only to turn around and be diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

I can still remember her phone call. She was letting me know that she was thinking about my kids and I, hoping we were all doing well, and then kinda as an after thought mentioned what her diagnosis was. Who does that?! The answer is Marie. Marie did that. When anyone else probably would've been a blubbering mess, she simply asked that I please pray for her. She always put others above herself and I am truly changed because I knew her.

A mutual friend, Carrie and I went to her viewing that was held in New York, so we could say our final goodbyes. That was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. She was so young and newly married. She should've had many more years to live. I still can't believe she is gone.

Marie, I love you and miss you like crazy! xoxo, quack, quack!

This year's LBBC conference will be held in a few weeks and the closer it gets, the more my heart aches. I can't imagine being there and not getting to see Marie, Angie, and Catherine. These are all girls that I looked forward to seeing each year and last year's conference was the last time I got to see them, talk and laugh with them, and hug them. It won't be the same without them.

Marie

March 31, 1977 - December 19, 2011

Angie

(pictured in the middle)

January 16, 1980 - May 29, 2012

Catherine

March 31, 1981 - February 16, 2012

I miss you girls so much!

Now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone, I will leave you on a happy note. I am going to renew my CPR and take a RN refresher course. It is 120 hours of clinical and 60 hours of online lecture. Once I am done I will be on a mission to get a job and shut my husband up! lol Plus, I feel like that will be my way of sticking it to cancer. It has kept me from getting a job long enough. I am going to dust off my RN license, overcome my fears, and do this. Wish me luck. Class starts October 16th.

There are lots of other things that have happened in the time that I have been MIA, but I'll save it for next time. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll check in again soon.

xoxo

I wonder....

would an apple a day keep my doctors away?! lol

I had my 3 month checkup with my oncologist this morning. He went over my scans results with me. My brain MRI showed sinusitis and my CT scan showed I have cyst on my left ovary. I'll have to follow up on that one with my gyne, but I do know that studies have shown that Tamoxifen can cause ovarian cysts.

A study I found in the Oxford Journals (http://jjco.oxfordjournals.org/content/35/10/607.full)states...

Patients still having a menstrual cycle during tamoxifen had high risk (58.33%) of developing ovarian cysts. We have described an association between pre-menopausal patients using tamoxifen with high E2 level and ovarian cyst enlargement.

So I guess I fall into that lucky group! Par for the course. lol

Other than that, everything looks good. He isn't really worried about whatever it was that disappear from my left eye. PHEW!! I go back for blood work and a check up in 3 months.

Paranoia

This poem sums up exactly how life after cancer has been for me......

Paranoia
© Copyright by Linda Nielsen

I know I have aches and pains, I've had them both for years.
But now each brings a panic, and a fresh new set of fears.

If I even feel a tiny bump no matter of its size,
I feel my cancer has come back, to claim another prize.

Fear is with me all the time, it haunts me night and day.
To think this batch of cells gone wrong, just yet might get their way.

The doctors nod when I dash in, and send me on my way.
Assuring me that once again, I'm really here to stay.

For in a car I could crash, or get stung by a killer bee.
Maybe take a header down some stairs, this all could happen to me.

I have to learn that dangers lurk, and recurrence is but one.
But not worrying over trivial things, is easier said than done.

Having lived through such a scare, it's hard NOT to be afraid.
For if they'd only say I'm cured, I'd really have it made.

I know in time this will subside, my worries should be less.
Life for me will once again, be filled with happiness

Linda Nielsen

CANCER SUCKS!!!

I'm kicking off my 2012 Relay for Life fundraising to get everyone ready for October, which is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

CANCER SUCKS HOODED SWEATSHIRTS

$45 Shipped in the US
$40 If picked up
They are available in the following colors and sizes....

SMALL- Black, Deep Coral, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Sport Grey
MEDIUM- Black, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Sport Grey
LARGE- Black, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Sport Grey
XL- Black, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Sport Grey
XXL- Black, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Sport Grey
XXXL- Black, Sport Grey



CANCER SUCKS T-SHIRTS (Back by popular demand!)

$25 Shipped in the US
$20 If Picked up
They are available in the following colors and sizes....

SMALL- Tangerine, Sport Grey, Hot Pink, Navy Blue, Lime Green, and Black
MEDIUM- Tangerine, Sport Grey, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Navy Blue, Lime Green, and Black
LARGE- Tangerine, Sport Grey, Hot Pink, Navy Blue, Lime Green, and Black
XL- Tangerine, Sport Grey, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Navy Blue, Lime Green, and Black
XXL- Periwinkle, Tangerine, Sport Grey, Hot Pink, Light Pink, Navy Blue, Lime Green, and Black
XXXL- Sport Grey, Navy Blue, Lime Green, and Black



CANCER SUCKS WINDOW CLINGS


$6 Shipped in the US
$5 If Picked up
Available in Blue or Pink



If you are interested in purchasing anything, please message me (Beth Brown Gibbons) the following information...

ITEM(S), COLOR, AND SIZE DESIRED
YOUR ADDRESS IF BEING SHIPPED

Payment can be made to BGibbo7@aol.com using PAYPAL. You do not need an account to use this site. Simply go to www.paypal.com, click on SEND MONEY and follow the instructions.

Make sure you invite your friends to check out this fundraiser on Facebook (Link below). THANK YOU!!!

CANCER SUCKS FUNDRAISER FACEBOOK EVENT

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It" - Martina McBride

PHEW!!!

My ophthalmologist's office called to let me know all my scans came back normal! I am so relieved!

Breathing a little easier!

So this morning as I was heading for my CT scan, I noticed I had a missed call from my oncologist's office. My heart dropped, because I have an appointment scheduled for Thursday to get the results of all my scans and they usually don't call me. I called back to find out the nurse was calling to tell me the results of my brain MRI and bone scan were both clear! THANK GOD!!! Now I just have to wait to hear good things in regards to my CT.

INSCANITY!

I've been trying not to think too much, but the truth is this scares the crap out of me. Yesterday my oncologist was not in, so the nurse spoke to him today and called me back. He is ordering a CT of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis (8/29/11), brain MRI (8/27/11), and a bone scan (8/26/11) and then having me come in to see him afterward.

I don't even know what to think...

Yesterday morning I had an appointment to have the nevus in my left eye checked. He dilated my eye and looked everywhere, can't find it. Got a different machine and looked all over, couldn't find it with that one either. So he tells me "I guess it is possible that it could have just went away." So, I asked how common that is and he said not very. Then he goes on to say that he doesn't know how to feel about this.

Since I am taking Tamoxifen, it may have been metastatic breast cancer that responded to the treatment (which is good for a bad scenario). He said I should have scans and blood work done to see if there is cancer elsewhere in my body. It is uncommon for breast cancer to spread to the eye and more common for it to go to the liver and bone. He ordered the blood work to check my liver function and some other stuff, but I need to talk to my oncologist to see about scans.

My doctor has a daughter who is only 4 years younger than me, so he thinks of me like his daughter. When he was discussing this stuff with me he had tears in his eyes.

All day yesterday, before and after the Britney Spears concert, I kept randomly breaking down and crying. If I get more bad news you might as well point me in the direction of the nearest tall building.

If all the tests come back normal then I will go back in 6 months to have both eyes dilated and examined.

Kadie's viewing

Today was Kadie's viewing. In general, I don't handle death, viewings, or funerals well, but seeing that tiny casket was so hard. It isn't fair. She should still be here with her sisters and parents. She looked so peaceful and I know she isn't suffering any more, but my heart still breaks. I'm honored to have met her.

Kadence "Kadie" Louise Stonebraker, 4, Decker's Point, died Saturday, Aug. 13, 2011, at her home surrounded by her family.

The daughter of Jacob P. and Sarah L. (Yeomans) Stonebraker, she was born March 14, 2007, in Indiana.

Kadie greatly enjoyed attending Junior Church at the Bible Baptist Church located near Clymer.

She loved playing with little puppies and her kitty, Fluffy. Kadie liked spending time outside taking Ranger rides; swimming in the pool; jumping on the trampoline; having family cookouts; and watching fireworks.

Other moments that brought joy and smiles to Kadie included making macaroni and cheese with Nana Pat and "cooking" coffee with her Aunt Nancy.

A huge fan of Taylor Swift, Kadie loved the country music singer and her music. Kadie was able to attend two Taylor Swift concerts and was thrilled to receive a package of Taylor Swift items, including some autographed memorabilia, directly from the country singer's management team.

Kadie is survived by her parents, Jake and Sarah Stonebraker; her two sisters, Gracie Stonebraker, age 5, and JoJo Stonebraker, age 2, all at home in Decker's Point; paternal grandparents, Paul and Kathy Stonebraker of Decker's Point; and maternal grandparents, Daryl and Linda Yeomans of Rural Valley, and Dave and Emma Adams of Creekside.
She is also survived by her paternal great-grandmother, Patricia Raspe of Decker's Point; maternal great-grandparents, Ron and Doris Stiffler of Creekside; maternal step-great-grandmother, Marilyn Adams of Indiana; maternal step-great-grandfather, Leo Mattillio of Rural Valley; and a number of aunts, uncles and cousins.

She was preceded in death by her paternal great-grandfather, Fred Raspe; paternal great-grandparents, Herb and Helen Stonebraker; maternal great-grandparents, Frank and Ruby Yeomans; and her paternal great-aunt, Mary Louise "Chuckie" Knupp.

Friends will be received from 2 to 4 and 7 to 9 p.m. Tuesday, Aug. 16, 2011, at the Rairigh Funeral Home, Ltd. in Hillsdale.

A funeral service will be held at 11 a.m. Wednesday, Aug. 17, 2011, at the funeral home with Pastor James McCaulley officiating.

Interment will follow at the Shiloh Cemetery in Decker's Point.

In lieu of flowers, Kadie's family would appreciate memorial contributions be forwarded to the Junior Church in care of the Bible Baptist Church, 6280 Route 286 Hwy East, Indiana, Pa. 15701.

Rest in Peace Kadie!

My heart breaks as I type this out, but sweet, 4 year old Kadie Stonebraker passed away this morning. Please keep her family in your thoughts in prayers.













Kadence Louise Stonebraker
March 14, 2007 - August 13, 2011

WE NEED A CURE NOW!!!!!

Happy 3rd Cancerversary to me!!

Where has the time gone?!

I have been soooooo busy lately that I'm lucky if I can remember my name! Here's what's been going on...

On Easter, we surprised the kids with a couple of White Pekin ducklings. They are such a great addition to our family. They are just precious. Here they are, Quacker and Sonny....



















































As you can see, they are growing super fast. Not even a month old yet and they are almost completely white, with new feathers coming in every day. I've been spending most of my time sitting outside with them lately. I just love them so much!

Then we have the kids' schedules that keep me hopping. Gavin is playing baseball, Camille just finished up Cheernastics and is now doing machine pitch softball, in addition to girl scouts. We are always running somewhere and soon cheerleading will start back up.

So, that explains why I have been MIA for a little while, now I will tell you the good news.....

I have a tattoo appointment!!!!!

That's right, the last step of my reconstruction process is now booked! September 1st! I will probably have to go in more than once before they are done, but it is the beginning of the end!

The aesthetician said to plan for the appointment to take atleast 2 1/2 hours, because they go over the risks, I sign the consent, we decide on the size and color together, and then she does both sides.

Hard to believe I am almost there!

14 Days until my Cancerversary.....

The things I've learned along the way

In honor of my cancerversary that is quickly approaching (May 28th), I thought I would share a few of the things I've learned along the way. Things that the doctors don't tell ya!

1. Cancer is not just a bump in the road, it is like taking a totally different route. My entire life has been changed and will be forever.

2. You will be traumatized repeatedly by different things that happen along the way. For me, post surgery results were big offenders.

3. After reconstruction, my latissimus dorsi muscles still work, but not in my back. Makes doing certain things a little interesting for any nearby onlookers. My chiropractor thought it was crazy!

4. Sometimes I get muscle spasms and my foob will go crazy! I now know not to take my big purse while marathon shopping.

5. If I itch my foob, I can feel it in my back. TOTALLY WEIRD!!

6. I ache. I ache in my back where my muscles use to be. I ache where I've been cooked with radiation. I ache down the middle of my chest. Cancer treatment and reconstruction leaves you with lasting effects. Again, I stress, NOT JUST A BUMP IN THE ROAD!

I will stop there for now. I'm sure over the month of May I will think of some more to share, but until then, ponder those!

Survivors are EVERYWHERE!

This weekend was our giant family garage sale. I didn't do as good as last year, but I still did okay. The weather was beautiful on Friday. I even managed to get a crazy sunburn on my face. Today was HORRIBLE! It was pouring most of the time, super cold, and the wind gusts up to 60 mph!! Here's a couple pics from my backyard and on my road to give you an idea...














Thankfully the tree fell this direction, because the other way would've taken out the back of the house!













This is a couple houses down from my house. I had to drive under this tree and hope it didn't fall on me, to get home!! EEK!!!

























Anyway, every year I put out my jar for relay donations, along with a pic of me bald that says "You are not too young for breast cancer...I was diagnosed at 29 years old!" It always catches people's attention and helps me spread awareness, but it also allows me to meet some of the most amazing people. Friday I met a woman who had ovarian cancer. Her tumor was the size of an infant's head when it was removed and that was 20 some years ago!!!! She was encouraging me to get the hysterectomy and Oophorectomy my doctors keep badgering me about. I told her I would think about it.

Today I met another breast cancer survivor, who was six years out from diagnosis. She said she rarely thinks about the beast now and is doing wonderfully. I cannot wait until I am at that point. Maybe once I get done with the reconstruction process I can move on a little better, I don't know.

So the garage sale was a lot of work, a huge pain in the arse, but I got rid of some crap, made a little money, and got some donations. I'll do it again.

Hi, my name is Beth...

and I am a reality tv show addict!

Seriously, just ask my husband, he will tell you. Our DVR is set to record just about every reality show you can imagine. Anything from Jersey Shore to The Bachelor to Extreme Couponing. I love it all!

Well, last night I was surprised to see the girls on America's Next Top model did a photo shoot for the Warriors in Pink campaign.

Of course the way they talked about breast cancer was kind of cheesy and the girl that everybody wants to see kicked off the show does the best in the photo shoot and wins a car, but still it was nice that they tried to incorporate some awareness into the show.

I give them an A for effort!

Cancer, I HATE YOU!!!

I've always told my kids to never say they hate anyone. Hate, meaning to have an extreme hostility towards someone or something, is such a strong word. I don't think it should just be thrown around, so when I say it, know that I have really thought about it and mean it with every fiber of my being.


I HATE cancer for permanently changing me and so many others from who we once were.

I HATE cancer for causing families such pain.

I HATE cancer for causing such suffering in the lives of everyone it even comes close to.

I HATE cancer for taking so many lives.


Please pray for my friends. They are battling for their lives right now. Please pray that they have the strength and courage to fight this exhausting battle. My heart aches for them and I wish there was more I could do. I love them!

CANCER, I HATE YOU!!!!!!

17 days later

It has been 17 days since my surgery and I am still adjusting to having these fipples. Don't get me wrong, they look much better, but they still have scabs, crazy sutures sticking out, and are big. My plastic surgeon told me I could stop wearing the nipple guards after 14 days, but I'm scared to go without. I have visions of them ripping open or ripping off and can't bring myself to take any chances. How crazy is that?!

Maybe it is just my lack of sleep catching up with me and that is really the reason I am now one fry short of a happy meal! I can't remember the last time I have had a good night's sleep. Since I had the procedure 17 DAYS AGO, Jeff has started sleeping like a wild animal. His arms randomly go flying crazily at me and I have to stay on guard in order to block him. Oh and he also has reverted back to snoring, so he also sounds like a wild animal. Nice, huh?! Isn't it bad enough that I can't sleep on my belly and I feel like I have to be conscious of my every movement in order to keep the fipples safe?! Seriously, I NEED SLEEP!!

On a different subject, for a while I have been entertaining the idea of having some guest posts on my blog. I have had a few emails asking me if I would allow them and I also have some people in mind that I would like to ask. I share as much as I can about how cancer has affected me, but I also want to share what it is like for other survivors and the people around us. I want to bring in a different perspective. I don't want to give anything away, but I have already asked my first person, so look for my first guest post from a very special person soon.

Rest peacefully Daria

January 24, 1961 – January 22, 2010

Lately I have been behind on my facebook and blog reading, so I was shocked to find out that one of my fellow breast cancer sisters passed away. Daria Maluta passed away peacefully in the arms of her loving husband Donald Dykstra, at 04:34 a.m. on Saturday, January 22, 2011 following a courageous long fought battle with cancer.

I "met" Daria Maluta through blogging. She was originally diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, recurred in 2004, and then again in 2008. She was living with lung, liver and bone metastasis and yet continued to be a great support for many survivors. You can read her story at http://daria-livingwithcancer.blogspot.com/

My heart goes out to all who loved her.

Rest in peace Daria.