1/12/09

Hi Everyone. I'm doing pretty good. I haven't needed any pain meds for a few days now. Soon I will be able to start doing exercises I learned from occupational therapy to get my range of motion back. I had to wait so I wouldn't rip open my incisions, but things are healing really quickly, so I should be okay soon.

Emotionally, things have been really rough. I have my good days and my bad days. Yesterday I took my dressing off for the first time at home. It was to get a bath. I didn't feel ready, but I wanted to clean off some of the dried blood. I took off the bandages (leaving my shirt on for the moment) and immediately started to cry and felt like I could puke. Jeff comforted me and told me I could do this. I told him I didn't want him to see the incisions on my chest, so he allowed me to get in the tub, turning my back to him and I covered my chest, he washed my back for me and then left till I could clean the front. It felt so terrible. I am numb over a huge area of my chest and in my armpit. They tell me I may get some of the feeling back over my chest, but may not get the feeling back in my armpit. Anyway, once I got out Jeff held up a towel, let me adjust the gauze and bandage and then helped me to rewrap (the surgeon wants me to stay wrapped almost all of the time, so we minimize the amount of fluid that accumulates). After the bath I told Jeff I was going to stay wrapped the rest of my life!

I'm sure I will get "used" to my new look as time goes on, but right now it has been much harder than I could ever imagine. I feel like all of my femininity has been stolen by cancer and cannot wait to get it back. I know Jeff loves me no matter what, but I just wish I were sexier for him. I don't want him to see me like this. Eventually I will allow him, but I'm not ready yet.

I go back to see my surgeon this Thursday. He will check my incisions and aspirate any fluid that has accumulated behind the incisions. I'm hoping he will tell me I am okay to start doing more around the house. I am starting to go crazy with these restrictions.